That's What He Said

I was packing up stuff with my then husband, getting ready to leave New Orleans for the start of his MBA in another city. And God thought this to me:

"I never meant for you to be hurt like this. I never put you in harm's way. This is not your fight. Get yourself out of the way"-(and with these words were the thought/ picture of "get yourself out of the way, pretty darlin'. No need for you to wreck your manicure." I didn't even HAVE a manicure at the time, but He was being sassy and sweet. I got the point.)- "and see what I will do for you. Go to sleep/ take a nap in the boat (beside your older brother, Jesus.)" And with those words were the thought/ picture of Jesus asleep in the boat while the storm raged around Him. In that story, He woke up to say, "Oh, ye, of little faith...", before He calmed the entire storm.

I'd like to be one human being who would sleep, totally trusting, until He woke up of His own accord. Here's the original story:

Jesus Calms the Storm

²³Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him. ²⁴Without warning, a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. ²⁵The disciples went and woke him, saying, "Lord, save us! We're going to drown!"

²⁶He replied, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.

²⁷The men were amazed and asked, "What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!"

Ain't God cool? :-)

String Theory Prayer

Hey, I remember back to when I was sad and weary and my needs weren't met- when I was isolated and undone.

And I remember forward to when you healed all of my diseases and made every dream I have come true and flooded my entire life with love and comfort and rest. And joy- did I forget to mention the joy? Or the peace like a buzzing river that rearranges me right down to my very molecules and sub-particles and more?

Oh, I remember back to when they were crushed and brutally re-arranged, when they were confused and could not find one calm way forward- when they were unloved and made ugly.

And I remember forward to when you loved them and healed them and comforted them and gave them rest- a rest which overtook their children and their parents and their friends and their lovers and spread out a thousand thousand miles all around their lives.

Because I remember back to when he lied and stole and killed and destroyed.

For this I remember forward to when you spoke truth which ended every lie, you gave back what was stolen and stole even more from that thief. I remember forward to when you killed his power to harm and confuse and crush, when you destroyed territories and abilities he'd built up over centuries, taking a million times what he took from your own. This is vengeance. I see how you get it done.

I remember back to when we cried and would not be comforted. Could not be. Inconsolable here with years of backbreaking work between us and joy, between us and free choice.

And I remember forward to when you said hey, ain't nothin' but a thang. Here, I'll trade you beauty for those ashes and how about joy for your mourning? Sound fair? Never mind that timeline. This thing has already been done. Darling, you still just don't get how you are loved.

So now I sit in peace in the center of every time that ever was or is or ever more shall be. Nothing is lost. Nothing is lost. There is no striving here. I'm loved. I'm done. I needed this. I was made for this.

I like this time better than that other one before. Thanks, You. You're a good egg, God, and I don't mind saying it.

gone, baby, gone

i can be happy for you, you know
even if i'm not good enough for you

anymore

but my cheeks cross with tears
you won't call me Lady Jo again
for i have fallen off every high horse
i thought i'd always ride.

You Make Me Feel So Real

Your eyes light battlefields
Where men lay down their deaths
And live.
They saw Your eyes searching
The whole earth,
And You were choosing me.

The Truth

love will come back,
love is chasing you down.
love will finally overtake you
and tackle you to the ground.

Now I Know

I should have gone straight from him
To a psychiatric ward
If I had not heard your voice
Just as the elevator doors opened
(Remember how I came back and
Lost it- 100%- in that hotel room?)
I would have gone, like a dutiful
Grownup, to help with the packing
But if I had not heard your voice
I would have taken that bowl
While no one was watching me
Walked out into the sunshine
On the balcony
Thrown the glass til it shattered
In crystal splatters
And flipped my body over the rail
To lose life's cruel grip on me

Y'know...

I have 30 semester undergrad hours I dedicated to the study of literature. And I still can't remember what to call this kind of every-other-line-rhyming. (Besides "Hallmark card"-ish. Maybe that's good enough. Oh, but I do still intend to bother my professor of literature father for the answer tomorrow.) Poetry-wise, I'm at my best when I'm not so neat- not careful at all. I'm going to have a dirty martini and head on back to feeling my way...