That's What He Said

I was packing up stuff with my then husband, getting ready to leave New Orleans for the start of his MBA in another city. And God thought this to me:

"I never meant for you to be hurt like this. I never put you in harm's way. This is not your fight. Get yourself out of the way"-(and with these words were the thought/ picture of "get yourself out of the way, pretty darlin'. No need for you to wreck your manicure." I didn't even HAVE a manicure at the time, but He was being sassy and sweet. I got the point.)- "and see what I will do for you. Go to sleep/ take a nap in the boat (beside your older brother, Jesus.)" And with those words were the thought/ picture of Jesus asleep in the boat while the storm raged around Him. In that story, He woke up to say, "Oh, ye, of little faith...", before He calmed the entire storm.

I'd like to be one human being who would sleep, totally trusting, until He woke up of His own accord. Here's the original story:

Jesus Calms the Storm

²³Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him. ²⁴Without warning, a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. ²⁵The disciples went and woke him, saying, "Lord, save us! We're going to drown!"

²⁶He replied, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.

²⁷The men were amazed and asked, "What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!"

Ain't God cool? :-)

String Theory Prayer

Hey, I remember back to when I was sad and weary and my needs weren't met- when I was isolated and undone.

And I remember forward to when you healed all of my diseases and made every dream I have come true and flooded my entire life with love and comfort and rest. And joy- did I forget to mention the joy? Or the peace like a buzzing river that rearranges me right down to my very molecules and sub-particles and more?

Oh, I remember back to when they were crushed and brutally re-arranged, when they were confused and could not find one calm way forward- when they were unloved and made ugly.

And I remember forward to when you loved them and healed them and comforted them and gave them rest- a rest which overtook their children and their parents and their friends and their lovers and spread out a thousand thousand miles all around their lives.

Because I remember back to when he lied and stole and killed and destroyed.

For this I remember forward to when you spoke truth which ended every lie, you gave back what was stolen and stole even more from that thief. I remember forward to when you killed his power to harm and confuse and crush, when you destroyed territories and abilities he'd built up over centuries, taking a million times what he took from your own. This is vengeance. I see how you get it done.

I remember back to when we cried and would not be comforted. Could not be. Inconsolable here with years of backbreaking work between us and joy, between us and free choice.

And I remember forward to when you said hey, ain't nothin' but a thang. Here, I'll trade you beauty for those ashes and how about joy for your mourning? Sound fair? Never mind that timeline. This thing has already been done. Darling, you still just don't get how you are loved.

So now I sit in peace in the center of every time that ever was or is or ever more shall be. Nothing is lost. Nothing is lost. There is no striving here. I'm loved. I'm done. I needed this. I was made for this.

I like this time better than that other one before. Thanks, You. You're a good egg, God, and I don't mind saying it.

gone, baby, gone

i can be happy for you, you know
even if i'm not good enough for you

anymore

but my cheeks cross with tears
you won't call me Lady Jo again
for i have fallen off every high horse
i thought i'd always ride.

You Make Me Feel So Real

Your eyes light battlefields
Where men lay down their deaths
And live.
They saw Your eyes searching
The whole earth,
And You were choosing me.

The Truth

love will come back,
love is chasing you down.
love will finally overtake you
and tackle you to the ground.

Now I Know

I should have gone straight from him
To a psychiatric ward
If I had not heard your voice
Just as the elevator doors opened
(Remember how I came back and
Lost it- 100%- in that hotel room?)
I would have gone, like a dutiful
Grownup, to help with the packing
But if I had not heard your voice
I would have taken that bowl
While no one was watching me
Walked out into the sunshine
On the balcony
Thrown the glass til it shattered
In crystal splatters
And flipped my body over the rail
To lose life's cruel grip on me

Y'know...

I have 30 semester undergrad hours I dedicated to the study of literature. And I still can't remember what to call this kind of every-other-line-rhyming. (Besides "Hallmark card"-ish. Maybe that's good enough. Oh, but I do still intend to bother my professor of literature father for the answer tomorrow.) Poetry-wise, I'm at my best when I'm not so neat- not careful at all. I'm going to have a dirty martini and head on back to feeling my way...

heartsick

oh i am this woman
(trouble never understood)
mistook those broken timbers
for deep roots, planted wood

crisis of faith

brutal is the mercy
that splashes over me
seize me up from death
or never turn to see
no, let me sink
let me drown
into this black, cold water
i am now too hurt to fathom
why you called me daughter

John George Psychiatric Pavilion

music of all spheres
sparking off my mood
in this place of jailers
joking, loud & lewd
but i keep my face steady
and my steps straitlaced
(hiding fears of dreams)
in this Godforsaken place

Another Broken Rubaiyat (Hell's Memory)

you made me your wife
then you abandoned me
never did get to read
that last divorce decree

oh, but in your eyes...
i divorce you
i divorce you
i divorce you

now old age and grief
cover my bowed head
i can no longer see you
walking ten steps ahead

easy

used to trouble,
fault the given,
now i rest instead.
sines and wonders,
imagined numbers
flying in and out.
he keeps his head
while i lose mine
all over the page.
(feel the answer
without hands
as he writes the proof.)

Jealousy

I put my hands up to the bowls of these glasses.
They clink together clumsily.
My fingers slide to their stems
Which are now longer than my arms.

I keep talking.
Because I can.
Because it's all that I can do.

You sit at my table
And won't eat my food.
You are withholding.
(Aren't we all?)

Competitiveness arrives and is ravenous.
So am I.
What I cannot eat sits out of reach.
I want more.

I walk down the stairs
(My heart is suicidal)
Into the best hug I've had in ten years.

My God, I am starving!
I wish my life would end right now
While I am shocked by comfort.

I do not think you know
How I am sheltered here.
(In a few more seconds I'll let you go.)

Go.
Just go.
Go home now.

Go withhold somewhere else,
With someone else,
Who'll count herself lucky
Until she sees the feast is not for her.

No one will eat.

Or at least
That's how I'll tell it.

I Climb This Tree at Night

I climb this tree at night

One foot after nother
Until, in this crook, I lean my weight
All the weight of my broken heart

I lean my face
Here
And move my hand
On this slender curving smooth
(Until it pushes back with all its might)

Oh, stop
This is not what I wanted
Not where I wanted to be
But

When I look up
Darkness kisses my face
And stars press peace down
Upon my open eyes.

It's all right.
It's all right.
Nothing is lost.
And God is still kind.

There is No Name for the Past

burning eyes, not hands
i snatch treasures from the pyre
taken always to respire
in chambers for the king

ooh burn the singer says
(there is no mercy here)
but fire makes me light
these wings take me taller
my eyes are turning bright

thrice scorned
thrice drowned
arisen from ashes soft
i go down to die
heart's gold is held aloft

this part in precious vessel
for you alone, liebling,
lay it down, now dying,
while you live on to sing.

i try to put her dreams down but they are crying in my sleep

the head turns and
the heart wanders

past cypress knees and
arms of lead
(wish you were in my pretty stead)
under this water which never rises

this dislocated guilt!
this phantom pain!
this loss of nothing ever had

(you can lead a horse but
only i know what what was called for)

and this is how my garden grows,
enclosed.

outdamned

i have learned what it takes to build up a man
or to tear down a home with my lily white hands

lesson learned

why'd you lure a little birdie?
feathers stink when they burn.
plus she takes wings of fire-
you won't need that urn.

Gene Autry?

I've got spurs that jingle, jingle, jangle.
And they say I'm happy to be sangle.
But this isn't true.
I'd rather have food poison
And be stuck in the loo.

could you be?

could you be love?

could you forgive it?

could you reverse-engineer all that love

and then live it?

could you reset that gift

...and then give it?

that girl is fast

that girl is fast

and she was made for joy
she's gonna run until she breaks

(don't try to deny
i caught you looking
a fairer phoenix never rose)

be quick now, child,
and don't hold back
regrets will burn you where you stand

faint heart never won fuckin' anything
faint heart never won at all.